Afterthoughts

 I wrote these song lyrics a long time ago, back in high school. It is basically a bunch of poems I wrote while in the hospital's psychiatric ward, shortly after I was rejected by my first crush. It was a time where I did not feel love for myself, and did not feel love from anyone else as well. I personally thought I was destined to be alone, like it was my fate.  I was not happy with myself, and was not happy with anything in my life, I was sad, lonely, depressed, and I thought having the girl, and having the one whom everyone looked and sought after, would make me happy, and to tell you the truth, it is not what makes you happy. It was not until I took time to look at myself and realize that it was me that was the problem, and not being happy with myself, that made people shun me. They did not see me being happy, which made people look past me and even through me.

 This is what I was trying to relay through the song. I used to sit at home in my room and look at an old Poison album cover, which shows an old skull with a rose in its mouth, and listening to “every rose has its thorn” on the stereo. I thought "isn’t a rose a sign of love", where all I saw was a sign of hate, and mistreated and misdirected emotions. It made me see nothingness. I also saw the world through a lens of pure evil that everyone was against me, just because I was different, and that love would never come knocking at my door, I felt this way for a long time, and sometimes still feel this way, like people will never understand me. I felt lost and abandoned by everyone. I tried to cover these raw emotions by hitting the bottle, hard.  I was in and out of rehab for my alcohol addiction, there were times I was so drunk, and lost, that when I went to the hospital, I should’ve been legally dead, I felt like I was inside my heart, and it seemed like no one really cared if I lived or died.  I was in a state of denial for everything, that life was easier if it came to an end. I felt the best when I was away from everyone, away from the hurt, and when I was drunk. But to tell you the truth it was just numbing the emotions. It was not taking them away.

This is what the song is about. It was a sense of getting away, and trying to forget that. Iit showed my deepest emotions and was an outlet for me. Do I feel this way now? No. I mean, looking back on it I see where I came from and how I rose up from it. I am getting married to the love of my life, someone who loves me no matter what I decide to do with my life and is with me through the good and the bad. Sure, I still feel like my parents and some of my family do shun me, like I am not making them proud, but that is something I have to get away from. I have so much now. I have a great running truck that is a part of me, I have a roof over my head, and I have recovered from my alcoholism. Sure, I still have a few on the weekends, a drink before bed because it helps me with my leg cramps, and my insomnia, but that is all, I am not getting blitzed out of my mind and not remembering how I made it home, or even if I did. Life is better, and it's just going to keep better. Looking back at this song, I felt a little pain, but not as much as I did when I wrote it, I hope this project helped show my emotions, and helped show where I came from.